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Volume 2: More Weird Stories of the Old Testament

 

Since my last post, I’m pleased to smugly let you all know I’ve made great progress on my reading plan. I’ve left the familiar waters of Genesis, relived the glory days of Exodus, plowed through the more tedious lists of what not to sacrifice and landed on the juicy section between Judges and Kings. We all know power struggles make for great stories - but were we expecting a woman wielding a tent peg and gory assassination of an obese king? Well, brace yourselves. Here are 3 more of the weirdest stories of the Old Testament.

 

1. How to Assassinate a Fat Person

 

My favorite of all gory stories is the assassination of King Eglon. Enter the hero, God’s anointed, Ehud. He has everything in place for the perfect crime. The blessing of the Lord, a flawless plan, Not to mention a hand-crafted, double-edged sword strapped to his thigh. Just one problem. The sword is too short. Why? The king is that fat. Thinking on his feet, Ehud stays calm and gives the sword an extra push. Intestines spill out of Eglon’s back. Excellent. Now it’s just a question of the murder weapon. One would hope to remove it from the scene, but unfortunately, it’s completely swallowed up by the expansive belly of the deceased. Deciding time is of the essence, Ehud gets out of there. He needn’t have worried. The Kings attendants don’t even go into the room for hours, so concerned they are that the king might be on the toilet. And who can blame them. Nobody needs to see that.

 

2. Never Mock a Prophet

 

In Kings 2, Elisha has problems of a more personal nature. In fairness, the poor man is minding his own business, making his way to Bethel, when a group of unruly teenagers start mocking him from the side of the road. Now, if you’ve ever been mocked by a teenager on a sensitive issue you’ll know it’s enough to get your blood boiling. And we all know male-pattern baldness is always a sensitive issue. So, Elisha does what every good Christian does in that situation. He rises above it. Just kidding, he curses the kids and watches as bears come out of the forest and mauls them to death. Teenagers everywhere, if I had that kind of power…

 

3. Never Underestimate a Woman

 

Oh, Jael. The “Proverbs 31” woman. A picture of Christian hospitality, she welcomes Sisera into her tent, promises to protect him from searching eyes, lays a blanket over his battle-weary body and feeds him milk. Oh, what safety and security he must have felt! What a joy to have landed in the tent of such a woman. Until she used a hammer to drive a tent peg into his temple. Ouch. Christian values are so confusing. But, all’s fair in love and war.

 

Well, I think we’ve all learned something important today. Happy Bible reading and be ready for anything!

 

 

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